Seasons of Change Blog

The Value of Rituals During Times of Grief

The front page of my morning paper had an in depth story about a couple who'd lost their son in a car accident in early January. It was a difficult article to read...the pain the couple feels was understandably intense.

A couple of things kept me reading through my tears.

As a high school athlete, this young man was well-liked by many. I was particularly touched by how his friends came together to celebrate, honor, and remember their friend. The rituals they've created to help them keep moving are many and go far beyond creating a community memorial at the site of the accident.

Finding Sanctuary in Winter by Karin Marcus

This past weekend, temperatures finally got out of the teens, the sun was out, and my husband and I, after a very stressful week, decided to go out for a walk.

We drove to a national wildlife refuge and bird sanctuary, right in the middle of Philadelphia - the John Heinz National Wildlife Refuge at Tinicum. This refuge was boxed between the international airport, humongous gasoline tanks, Interstate 95, and low income housing.

But there we were on miles of trails walking through a beautiful frozen wetland, surrounded by tall grasses and cattails, great blue herons, and herds of deer. The occasional plane that flew over head only punctuated the quiet of the woods.

I thought, “This is truly a sanctuary.”

Sharing Personal Problems at Work

Nearly everyone you talk to says it is NOT appropriate to talk about your personal problems at work. Ever. Furthermore, you should never allow your true emotions to come to the surface during work hours.

I suspect the people who espouse these rules have never been in the middle of a divorce, received a call about a loved one, or dealt with their own illness.

I agree that you don't want to blab every detail of your personal problems at work...but I do not agree that you should hide everything.

A new book, The Power of Nice: How to Conquor the Business World with Niceness, recommends that one tenet of having a nice workplace is to encourage people to share their problems at work. Their experience is that when people have permission to share what's happening with them, they share their story, shed a tear perhaps, and then show up for work ready and willing to give their all to their job.

I believe that when people have to hide their true transition reality they have to invest so much energy in holding it together and making sure that they don't blow their cover, that they are only partially available to do their work! Rather than feeling supported and honored for what they are going through, they feel they must defend their position, project a mask of strength and an "I'm fine" attitude. Add this stress to the stress they are already feeling from their transition and they are plum exhausted!

EMDR: Treatment for Trauma

In the last couple of days I've had several occasions to speak with people who have experienced a trauma---either recently or in the past. I wanted to share a little information about a treatment option that's recommended for people who are still feeling the effects of a past trauma.

Over the years I have recommended EMDR to a number of clients and each of them have gone on to live very full lives that are no longer impacted by the original trauma.

Some quick facts:

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.

The American Psychiatric Association and the Department of Veteran Affairs both recommend EMDR as a viable treatment for traumas--

• big T Traumas resulting from violence, accidents, abuse, natural disaster
• little t traumas from childhood teasing, breakups, comments from parents

The Loss of Relationships during Times of Transition

If your "family and friends" don't honor and respect what you need at this time of loss, you may decide to limit your time with them for the time being. It's incredibly important to surround yourself with people and situations that support you in healing and moving forward.

People who want you to be exactly who you were before your loss, aren't clear on the concept. It's likely they haven't been through a loss...or if they have, they didn't deal with their loss very consciously. Being around you may trigger their own feelings of loss and pain that they don't know how to handle. Your job isn't to talk them into healing...your job is to take care of yourself and your own needs. When you feel stronger you'll be able to decide when it's time to interact with them again.

It's always hard to step away from loved ones during a time of loss...in a way it adds insult to the injury of your original loss. During this time when you are feeling especially vulnerable, you want to connect with those you love and are familiar with...you want to be able to depend on them. You want to be able to feel their love and support. When they aren't able to support you it feels like another layer of abandonment....yet another loss.

I have seen this pattern time and time again. I first noticed this pattern in my own life when friends didn't know how to be with me as I was grieving for my father's death and dealing with my own physical burnout.

The Key Is Taking Care of Yourself

What I discovered is that it was important for me to learn how to nurture and support myself. At times I was very, very lonely...and yet over time I did learn how to take care of myself. I became so much stronger as I moved through my healing. By the time I was ready to enter Spring and join others in activities, I no longer feared being alone. I knew, without a doubt, that I could depend on myself during difficult times.

When you find that you can't rely on friends and family members to support you in your healing journey, know that you are being asked to learn how to take care of yourself. Rather than focus on what's going on outside of yourself, turn your attention inward. Be attentive and compassionate about your own needs.

Find a Support Group

I'm not suggesting that you must live all alone...what I am saying is that your current social network may not be the best source of support at this time. Instead of turning to those who don't understand you or what you are experiencing, reach out to others who are experiencing similar circumstances.

Where should you start? Look around your community for support groups that would be a good fit for you. If you can't find anything local, search on the internet. See if you can find a Yahoo Group for people in your situation. If neither of these options pans out, create your own support group.

As hard as it may be to believe, you aren't the only one who is having a difficult time with your loss. By joining a group, you'll discover how reassuring it can be to hear how others are handling loss, how they are finding creative ways to move forward, and how refreshing it is to help others find their way through the maze of loss.

If you join a group and you aren't getting anything out of it, keep searching. Don't just give up on getting support from a group of people who are going through a similar loss. What's missing? Would you do better in a group that meets in person. Would you be more comfortable with the anonymity of an online group. Only you can do the detective work to discover the kind of group that will be best for you!

Holidays Can Trigger Your Feelings of Loss - Part 2

In my previous post I wrote about how to take care of yourself during the holidays when you've experienced a recent loss. I encouraged you to get clear about what you need during this emotionally charged time. This post takes it one step further...

Even if you can't act on your needs in the moment, honor your needs enough to recognize and acknowledge how you feel. When you are faced with a similar situation or similar feelings in the future, you will have more knowledge about your own needs. With this new information about yourself, you'll be better able to create circumstances that will work for you.

For example, if you want to spend some time alone this holiday, be true to yourself and create a way to do just that. It's perfectly natural to want to hibernate during this time to feel your emotions in a safe environment. Perhaps you set aside a day for yourself when it doesn't impact time with your loved ones. Or you might feel that the usual holiday festivities are just too much for you. If there's a way, you might want to make other plans or limit the amount of time you spend at the big event.

Even though it may feel foreign, ask those around you for what you need. It's true that some may not understand your request. They may find strength and normalcy when they are surrounded by tranditional activities and other people. Others will understand you and support you in what you need. Do what you can to create the circumstances that will be best for you.

For instance, if you can't figure out a way to stay away from the family gathering all together, see what you can do to limit your stay or take on a task (peeling the potatoes or washing the dishes) that helps you avoid the frenzy of activity.

If you must attend the festivities, plan some quiet time for yourself before the event or plan a special day for yourself before or after with the goal of doing what you need to take care of yourself.

Be gentle with yourself as you move through the holidays this year. Honor your needs and you will find a new source of peace within yourself.

Holidays Can Trigger Your Feelings of Loss - Part 1

If you've experienced a difficult loss this year or in recent years--a death in the family, an illness, a divorce, a job loss, a natural disaster or a combination of losses--you may find the holidays retrigger your feelings of loss.

In fact, you may be surprised by the depth of your emotions, the clarity of your memories, the details you recall, and how quickly you are taken back to your original loss. The flashes may happen so rapidly that they catch you off guard.

Although you may want these memories to go away, there's really no way to stop them. They are coming to you as a natural part of your healing/grieving process. As each memory comes to mind, they are giving you an important opportunity to feel the emotions you may not have been able to process earlier in your journey. Although it can be difficult, the more you can feel your emotions, the sooner you will move through and beyond your grief.

Whether you are experiencing your first holiday season without a loved one, your home, or your health, you are likely to face situations that bring up old memories and remind you, in no uncertain terms, that your life has changed.

Unfortunately, there's really no way to rewind your life to get it back how it was. There's no way to regain your normal life. There's also no way to ignore what you are feeling.

The only way to navigate this difficult, emotional time is to be very clear about what you need during this season.

1) How do you want to feel? Do you want to reflect? Escape? Remember? Forget?

2) What do you need this season? Do you want time alone? Do you want to spend time with friends? Do you want to get out of town?

3) How can you take care of yourself? Do you need rest? Do you need to spend time in nature? Do you need a quiet day? Do you need to spend time with others of your faith?

4) What rituals can you create to honor your loss and help you move into the future? Is there a poem that speaks to you? Is there a song that soothes you or inspires you? Is there a place you'd like to visit to remember?

As you move through the holidays, take time to check in with yourself each day. Sense what you need for yourself each day....each hour....each minute. As you reconnect with your true needs, trust what you feel. Trust yourself to know what you need in any given situation.

Watch for Part 2 of this article...coming soon.

Proactively Claim Your Strengths

If you don't a clear sense of your strengths and what you have to offer, you may want to take action to discover your stengths so that you can counteract your inner critic.

If you would like to proactively gain new insights about how others see you, send the following email to 4-6 people you trust.

Dear ________,

My coach has given me an assignment that I hope you can help me with.

Please reply to this email and include a list of up to 10 characteristics you admire about me.

Thanks so much for your help. I appreciate your time and thoughtfulness.

/signed by you

When you receive you lists back, you are likely to be surprised! Some of the characteristics may be in line with how you see yourself and some of them may be completely unexpected.

Use your insights as a catalyst to update how you see and think of yourself. Several months from now, take another look at the lists. Has anything changed in how you perceive the list or yourself?

Two Ways to Claim Your Strengths

Most people don't have a clear sense of their strengths and what they have to offer. Instead they have a picture of themselves that may be limited by failures from their past, by the voices they hear from the past, or by their own limited self-esteem.

My father was a very intelligent man and yet regardless of his numerous achievements, he was unable, like many of us, to escape his internal voices of worry and concern about things large and small. He always wondered if he'd done the right thing; if he'd made the right choice. As his health faded, he started to receive letters from those who had been touched by him in some way. After he died, we received many more notes that he never had the opportunity to read.

One thought always struck me:

How would his life have been different if he had heard from these people much earlier in his life?

Would he have been able to claim his strengths and his power in a deeper way?

I believe his life and the lives of those in our family would have been very different.

Strategy 1: When someone's actions touch you deeply, take a moment to write a note to share your gratitude with the person. Take a moment this holiday season to brighten someone's day with a memory, a thank you, or an explanation of how your life was changed by something they did.

• Don't assume they already know how wonderful they are.
• Don't assume they even remember the moment that's burned into your psyche as a turning point in your life.
• Share the details of the situation
• Share your heartfelt emotions     
• Share who you have become
• You never know how much it will mean to them to hear how they've impacted your life.

Strategy 2: If you are on the receiving end of such a note, you may be tempted to downplay or minimize your part because you feel embarrassed or awkward about the whole thing. Instead...I encourage you to do the following.

1. Say Thank you! You don't have to say anything else at that moment.
2. Save the note in a safe place. Create a folder on your computer or in a file drawer where you can return to read the note at a later point in time.
3. Fully acknowledge to yourself the part you played in improving someone else's life. Integrate this information into the picture you hold of yourself.
4. Find other opportunities to impact people's lives in a powerful, positive way.

Although quite simple, this activity provides profound inspiration and insight if you are learning about who you are and how you are perceived in your world.

 

The Pace of Change

"New results take time. Being patient about evolution is one of the most difficult traits to learn. In our fast paced, “I want it now” society, watching small steps turn into big differences can be excruciating.  Just Remember… All great changes take time!"

This emailed quote of the day references something my clients struggle with all the time. (For a description of the synchronistic way I found this quote...see comment below.)

Often clients lament about how long it's taking them to transition from one life to the next. They want to hurry up. They want it all to be over so they can get on with life.

The truth of the matter is that transitions and the journeys they trigger ARE life.

In the natural world, most creation and destruction transitions are gradual (plants and animals grow, plants and animals die and decay). Both growth and decay are typically processes that happen incrementally.

Of course there are transitions in nature that appear to happen instantaneously (a butterfly coming out of a cocoon, a tornado touching down). But in actuality, even these transitions developed over time (the caterpillar was in the cocoon state for some time before it broke free and found it could fly, the tornado required that a certain weather pattern develop before it formed.)

As you walk through your transition journey, don't fret about how long it is taking. It's going to take as long as it takes, no matter how you want it to go. I've found the more I surrender to the process of letting go or of growing, the faster the process seems to go. The more time and energy I spend trying to force the system to hurry up, the slower my progress.

If you haven't read my book, The Seasons of Change, check it out. It spells out where to put your focus during each phase of the transition process to faciliate your process.

(For some time now I've been getting "Power Thoughts" in my spam folder. I had no idea what they were or why I was getting them. Last night I just happened to open the email to see what these Power Thoughts were. I think I know...my husband, a professional photographer, and I went to a photography conference several years ago and I think they were speakers.)

Quote by:

Power Thoughts

Sondra Ayers & Jerry Deck

POWER Consulting

(Photography consultants)